People (adults and children) are happier and more likely to make positive change when those in authority do things
WITH them rather than TO them or
FOR them… or NOT at all.
(See this diagram elsewhere on this site.)
- which is commonly known as the 80/20 Rule - declares that roughly 80% of outcomes or consequences result from 20% of causes.
In Restorative Practices, we say that 80% of our work should be in the area of building and maintaining relationships, community and belonging. That leaves only 20% of our time being necessary to address issues that arise because we haven't done a good job of building relationships and community.
(See this diagram elsewhere on this site.)
The Social Engagement Window helps us recognize our focus is to do everything as much as possible WITH those that we serve, where people are SUBJECTS to be HONORED, with an Inclusive TONE, Relaxed Alertness is the preferred BRAIN STATE, and there is a Focus on EMPOWERMENT, and a primary Activity of PROBLEM SOLVING.
(See this diagram elsewhere on this site.)
Finally,
FAIR PROCESS IN LEADERSHIP
requires that those of us who lead in any way do so by first ENGAGING those for whom our decisions will have an effect, carefully EXPLAINING the rationale for why a decision must be made, and clarifying EXPECTATIONS for how we will move forward toward our particular outcomes. Then, it is just a matter of EXECUTING our plans, and EVALUATING the outcomes.
Ludo Van der Heyden, 2015
(See this diagram elsewhere on this site.)
This, then, is the essence of the restorative approach to practical and social engagement in a nutshell. All the rest are details. However, addressing these details with consistency and congruency is where restorative practices fidelity finds its fundamental and impenetrable foundation and most gratifying outcomes.
In the fall of 2025, I had the privilege of delivering a convocation address at my college alma mater. And directing some comments to undergraduates who were present, I said, “My hope is that most of you have discovered as I did that when you embrace [the college] environment, it WILL inspire intellectual, spiritual, ethical, moral and social development and you will definitely be stronger in a very holistic way, but you need to ACT like it.
“Part of what that means,” I said, “is you must be willing to do hard things! Easy things are comfortable, but they don’t make you grow. When I say it’s all about relationship,, that includes and emphasizes your relationship to your opportunities and challenges. It also includes your relationship to yourself, AND your relationship to your Higher Power – whatever that means to you. And we could spend ALL DAY just talking about these last two. Don’t be afraid to do hard things!”
There is a wisdom that says, “Life begins right outside your comfort zone.” There is another that says, “ Your attitude determines your altitude.” And still another – an African proverb – that says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
When I spoke, I wanted to make a case for getting uncomfortable more often, to keep refining attitudes at all times, and to focus on building good relationships – even with people who don’t make that easy.
I told the audience that the next time they would face a problem that seems unbelievably complex, and difficult to handle, they should ask themselves the question, “How can I see this difficulty more simply?” Why? Because given the right perspective, we can find a way to view the most complex entities in a simple way just as we can view the simplest things in a very complex way. It is a matter of choice, of choosing a viewpoint that gives you a place to start ...and then starting.
I told them a story about my having been invited to be the commencement speaker on the campus as an undergraduate ...for a class graduating ahead of me! TRUE STORY! Talk about a HARD THING! I don’t know that I have EVER been more overwhelmed by a difficult challenge; but I sallied forth in spite of my fear and gave the best I had ... and the result was a standing ovation. But more importantly, I learned something about myself in meeting that challenge, which changed the course of my entire life. I think every audience I have spoken to since then has presented a challenge that pales by comparison to that one.
If you have ever heard somebody say, “It IS what it IS,” that’s not necessarily a cop out.
